I get it: not everyone’s into music lyrics like I am. And not everyone passed grade 10 English with flying colours. And really, musicians probably don’t give a shit if you completely miss the point of their songs, as long as the royalty cheques clear. But that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at how wildly inappropriate some songs are for certain occasions. 

Every Breath You Take
Artist: The Police
Where it’s inappropriately played: Weddings, anniversaries, and romantic montages.
What it’s actually about: Obsession, stalking, and controlling someone’s every move. You’re not slow dancing to a love song, you’re setting your marriage vows to the musical equivalent of a restraining order. 

Born in the U.S.A.
Artist: Bruce Springsteen
Where it’s inappropriately played: Fourth of July parties, political rallies, and anywhere someone’s wearing an American flag as a cape.
What it’s actually about: The brutal treatment of Vietnam War vets and working-class disillusionment. Go, America? 

I Will Always Love You
Artist: Dolly Parton (and Whitney Houston)
Where it’s inappropriately played: First dances at weddings, anniversary tributes, and anything meant to celebrate staying together.
What it’s actually about: A breakup. Specifically, leaving someone forever and wishing them well. Perfect if your wedding theme is ‘irreconcilable differences’. 

Fast Car
Artist: Tracy Chapman
Where it’s inappropriately played: Road trip playlists, feel-good nostalgia commercials, and anywhere people just hear “car” and stop listening.
What it’s actually about: Poverty, desperation, and the crushing realization that escaping your circumstances isn’t as easy as just driving away. 

Marry You
Artist: Bruno Mars
Where it’s inappropriately played: Proposal videos, engagement parties, and wedding dance floors.
What it’s actually about: A drunken, impulsive Vegas wedding that may or may not be a mistake. Bold choice for a lifelong commitment. 

This Land Is Your Land
Artist: Woody Guthrie
Where it’s inappropriately played: Patriotic school assemblies, real estate commercials, and anything meant to celebrate the American Dream™.
What it’s actually about: Wealth inequality, class struggle, and the fact that the land in question very much does not belong to everyone equally.

Fortunate Son
Artist: Creedence Clearwater Revival
Where it’s inappropriately played: Military recruitment ads, pro-America montages, and anything meant to be pro-war.
What it’s actually about: It’s a scathing critique of how rich kids dodged the Vietnam draft while working-class kids were sent to die. The U.S. military has been misusing this song for so long, it might as well have a pension. 

Hallelujah
Artist: Leonard Cohen
Where it’s inappropriately played: Church services, funerals, and Christmas concerts. (WTF!)
What it’s actually about: Sex, betrayal, and a crisis of faith. If you’re singing this in a church, you’re either very brave or very bad at paying attention. Probably both. 

Imagine
Artist: John Lennon
Where it’s inappropriately played: State funerals, Olympic opening ceremonies, and anywhere world leaders gather to pretend they’re progressive.
What it’s actually about: Rejecting nationalism, religion, and materialism. (everything the people playing it stand for.) 

Lust for Life
Artist: Iggy Pop
Where it’s inappropriately played: Cruise line commercials, travel ads, and anything meant to scream adventure! FUN!
What it’s actually about: Heroin addiction and self-destruction. Exactly the vibe you want while booking an all-inclusive getaway. 

Personal Jesus
Artist: Depeche Mode / Johnny Cash
Where it’s inappropriately played: Evangelical church commercials, religious events, and anything meant to sound deeply spiritual.
What it’s actually about: A critique of blind faith and treating religious figures like personal saviours-for-hire. Interesting choice for a crew who are actively trying to recruit blind followers. 

Hey Ya!
Artist: OutKast
Where it’s inappropriately played: Dance floors, wedding receptions, and feel-good party playlists.
What it’s actually about: The death of romance and how most relationships are doomed. That chorus? You think you’ve got it, oh you think you’ve got it, but got it just don’t get it till there’s nothing at all. That’s not a party, it’s an existential crisis with a catchy beat. 

Semi-Charmed Life
Artist: Third Eye Blind
Where it’s inappropriately played: Feel-good ‘90s nostalgia playlists and family-friendly radio stations.
What it’s actually about: Meth addiction. Not in a this is bad way, either. More like I’m high AF and it’s amazing. But sure, crank it up at the school dance. 

Closing Time
Artist: Semisonic
Where it’s inappropriately played: Bars at last call, grad parties, anywhere people think it’s just about leaving a place.
What it’s actually about: Childbirth. Yup. But go ahead, drunkenly sing along while the bouncer shoves you out the door. Just think of your mom’s vajeej as you stumble out. 

Pumped Up Kicks
Artist: Foster the People
Where it’s inappropriately played: Shopping malls, coffee shops, anywhere that wants a chill indie vibe.
What it’s actually about: A school shooter.

Born to Run
Artist: Bruce Springsteen
Where it’s inappropriately played: Road trip playlists and anything meant to evoke freedom.
What it’s actually about: The desperate need to escape a dead-end life before it crushes you. If Fast Car is “I hope things get better”, Born to Run is “we either leave here or die here”. 

Summer of ‘69
Artist: Bryan Adams
Where it’s inappropriately played: Nostalgic ‘60s tributes, Fourth of July playlists, and anything trying to capture the good ol’ days.
What it’s actually about: Not 1969. Bryan Adams was ten that year. It’s about sex. 69, dudes! 

You’re Beautiful
Artist: James Blunt
Where it’s inappropriately played: Weddings, anniversaries, and romantic gestures.
What it’s actually about: A creepy guy obsessing over a woman he saw once and will never meet again. Ew. 

Sweet Child O’ Mine
Artist: Guns N’ Roses
Where it’s inappropriately played: Weddings, father-daughter dances, anything meant to be sweet and sentimental.
What it’s actually about: A toxic, doomed relationship. Axl Rose wrote it about an ex, who he later threw through a glass door. Aw, how sweet. 

One
Artist: U2
Where it’s inappropriately played: Weddings and romantic montages.
What it’s actually about: A bitter, painful breakup. Perfect for a wedding. 

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
Artist: Green Day
Where it’s inappropriately played: Proms, graduations, farewell parties, and anything meant to be sentimental and inspiring.
What it’s actually about: A sarcastic kiss-off to an ex. Nothing says good luck in the future like passive-aggressive bitterness. 

Today
Artist: Smashing Pumpkins
Where it’s inappropriately played: Feel-good ‘90s nostalgia playlists, commercials, anything meant to be uplifting.
What it’s actually about: Suicidal depression. Billy Corgan has openly said it’s one of the darkest songs he’s ever written, and considering their other songs, that’s saying a lot. But sure, slap it on a montage of kids playing in a field. 

Smells Like Teen Spirit
Artist: Nirvana
Where it’s inappropriately played: Party anthems, Yay, the ‘90s! playlists, and any event meant to be fun and rebellious.
What it’s actually about: Kurt Cobain making fun of apathetic Gen X kids who thought being counterculture meant buying the right flannel shirt. The fact that it became an anthem for the exact people it mocks is such perfect irony. 

American Woman
Artist: The Guess Who
Where it’s inappropriately played: U.S. political rallies, patriotic events, anywhere meant to celebrate strong American women.
What it’s actually about: A Canadian band writing a protest song about how much they don’t want America’s influence. The Guess Who saw the Vietnam War, U.S. politics, and commercialism and said, Nah, we’re good. 

Brick
Artist: Ben Folds Five
Where it’s inappropriately played: Romantic slow dances, love song playlists, anywhere people think it’s about a deep, emotional connection.
What it’s actually about: Abortion. 

Fade Into You
Artist: Mazzy Star
Where it’s inappropriately played: Wedding first dances, romantic moments, anything meant to celebrate deep love.
What it’s actually about: Loving someone who doesn’t love you back. How romantic.

I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)
Artist: The Four Tops
Where it’s inappropriately played: Weddings, anniversaries, romantic dedications.
What it’s actually about: A guy hopelessly stuck in a toxic relationship. He can’t help himself because he knows he’s being treated like garbage but stays anyway. Fun! 

Take Me to Church
Artist: Hozier
Where it’s inappropriately played: Hilariously, actual church services.
What it’s actually about: It’s a critique of religious institutions, particularly their condemnation of sexuality and queer love. If your church choir is singing this, someone either didn’t listen to the lyrics or they’re making a very bold statement. 

Only the Good Die Young
Artist: Billy Joel
Where it’s inappropriately played: Funerals, anywhere meant to honour someone’s memory.
What it’s actually about: A guy trying to convince a Catholic girl to lose her virginity. Literally about a dude whining that she won’t sleep with him. 

Pinch Me
Artist: Barenaked Ladies
Where it’s inappropriately played: Feel-good road trip playlists, summer BBQs, anywhere people just hear la la la and tune out.
What it’s actually about: Numbness, isolation, and feeling like life is passing you by.  

The One I Love
Artist: R.E.M.
Where it’s inappropriately played: Love song dedications, weddings, anywhere people think it’s romantic.
What it’s actually about: A cold, detached song about using someone and moving on.  

No Rain
Artist: Blind Melon
Where it’s inappropriately played: Carefree, happy-go-lucky playlists, anywhere meant to feel joyful.
What it’s actually about: Isolation, depression, and disconnection. It’s about being too numb to care if anything ever changes. 

Macarena
Artist: Los Del Rio
Where it’s inappropriately played: School dances, family-friendly events, anywhere people don’t speak Spanish and just do the dance.
What it’s actually about: A woman cheating on her boyfriend while he’s away in the military. 

One Way or Another
Artist: Blondie
Where it’s inappropriately played: Fun, girl-power playlists, commercials, anything meant to be lighthearted and sassy.
What it’s actually about: Stalking. As in, actual stalking. Debbie Harry wrote it about a real-life experience with a creepy dude who wouldn’t leave her alone. 

Angel
Artist: Sarah McLachlan
Where it’s inappropriately played: ASPCA commercials, funerals, memorials, anywhere meant to honour someone’s passing.
What it’s actually about: Drug addiction. It’s actually about Jonathan Melvoin, the touring keyboardist for The Smashing Pumpkins, who died of a heroin overdose. 

99 Luftballons
Artist: Nena
Where it’s inappropriately played: Retro dance parties, ‘80s nostalgia nights, anywhere people just hear balloons and think it’s fun.
What it’s actually about: A nuclear apocalypse. The balloons are mistaken for a military threat, war breaks out, and humanity is wiped out. But hey, fun beat!

Bobcaygeon
Artist: Tragically Hip 

Where it’s inappropriately played: Cottage weekend playlists, feel-good Canadiana compilations, anywhere people just hear ‘Bobcaygeon’ and think peaceful small town vibes. 

What it’s actually about: Downie never stuck to one concrete meaning. It’s about a stressed-out cop escaping the city to find peace in a small town, with love and nature as his refuge. Downie sometimes called it a “cop love song,” sometimes saying it was about “a couple of gay cops that fall in love.” But there’s also a deeper layer of racism and fascism lurking beneath the surface. He also sometimes introduced the song by asking: “Evil in the open or evil just below the surface?” Yay, cottage country!