Here’s how I’m handling my period at 40

I’ve had my period roughly 350 times now and it’s possible I hate it now more than ever. Look, I’ve gone through all the stages of a female human of menstruating age: horror, pride, relief, more relief, pregnancy, and now? Now I have no use for this hormone-addled, heavy-flow, mood-altering time of the month. I’m ready to invest in polyester pants, perms, and winters in Florida instead of the multitude of products I buy to make this whole thing less unpleasant, thank-you-very-much.

My period at 40 is as unwelcome as it was when I was 12 and had just come home from trick or treating to discover the ultimate trick had been played upon me. (Hey, Mom, it would’ve been super helpful if you’d told me to stick the pad to my underwear, and not myself. . . I wasn’t as bright as you apparently assumed.)

In any case, I’m extremely pleased to tell you that I’ve wasted a significant amount of time trying to find the most perfect gifs to describe to you the precise timeline of emotions I go through each month.

(Because that’s what all menstruating 40-year-old women do, right?)

Is it coming? Wahhh, it’s coming.