Here’s how I’m handling my period at 40

I’ve had my period roughly 350 times now and it’s possible I hate it now more than ever. Look, I’ve gone through all the stages of a female human of menstruating age: horror, pride, relief, more relief, pregnancy, and now? Now I have no use for this hormone-addled, heavy-flow, mood-altering time of the month. I’m ready to invest in polyester pants, perms, and winters in Florida instead of the multitude of products I buy to make this whole thing less unpleasant, thank-you-very-much.

My period at 40 is as unwelcome as it was when I was 12 and had just come home from trick or treating to discover the ultimate trick had been played upon me. (Hey, Mom, it would’ve been super helpful if you’d told me to stick the pad to my underwear, and not myself. . . I wasn’t as bright as you apparently assumed.)

In any case, I’m extremely pleased to tell you that I’ve wasted a significant amount of time trying to find the most perfect gifs to describe to you the precise timeline of emotions I go through each month.

(Because that’s what all menstruating 40-year-old women do, right?)


Is it coming? Wahhh, it’s coming.


All the chocolate. Now.


This commercial for cereal is just so saaaaaaaad, though.


Can’t speak, must eat.


*RAGE*


Oh, looks like it might be a light month.


Uterus, why hast thou forsaken me?


Fuck you, ladybits.


It’s never a light month.


This IS my happy face.


*blind rage*


Wait, is it ending? Could this be?


Toodles, period, it’s been swell.

 

(All gifs from Giphy)

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Alex

24 thoughts on “Here’s how I’m handling my period at 40

  1. All of it true, although thanks to a uterine ablation every month is a light month. Now if I could get rid of everything else.

      1. It did. The doctor suggested we try ablation before a hysterectomy and I’m glad we did. I didn’t bleed at all for more than a year post ablation, although I still had all the pms and even period symptoms like cramping. I was so anemic that my body couldn’t recover in between periods. Now I just I spot a little – 3 years post ablation.

      2. I fear that’s where I’m at, too. I’m seeing my doc again soon to have my ferritin levels tested because man, I’m bruising for no reason, exhausted… I can’t get my iron to stay up.

  2. LMAO!!! My rage comes before the chocolate though. The feeling of wanting to murder everyone around me is generally the first indication it’s coming 😉 Then I move to wanting chocolate, red wine, and lots of naproxen.

  3. Mine also started on Halloween but I was 13. I’m now 35. Didn’t have my period for two years and though I had hit early menopause but it’s back like the biotch it is and certain birth control pills make me bleed heavily for 40 plus days. I should build an effing ark or travel through the desert like Jesus. At least we’ve got the suffering down pact.

  4. Hahahahahaha. I’m lucky, I never get rage, just super emotional for 2 weeks.

    P.S. if you don’t want to spend any more $$ on pads/tampons, get the Diva Cup. It’s a game changer (at least it was for me!)

    1. Oh, hahaaaaaa, yeah, I was using a Diva Cup a decade ago… having babies does crazy things to a body. I’ll leave it at that.

  5. Damn. I thought you were going to have a solution. I feel deceived. Good thing I don’t have my period right now or I’d probably fly into a rage about it.

  6. As someone who, ahem, has a few years on you, I can tell you it gets worse. Throw in soul-crushing depression for a day followed by rage at anyone within a 20 foot radius actually breathing near you. You have my condolences.

  7. Remember when I said that we should get together soon? Can we do so when you are NOT on your period? Cuz, you know, hormonal rage is not really a joy of mine. I’ll take one for the team if I need to but…

    😉

  8. Add to the usual symptoms the lovely side effect of one of your medications being horrific period cramps that leave you bedridden for 4 days and I’m with you. My doc put me on a low dose progesterone mini pill (Micronor) and poof all problems went away. Now my period is basically spotting for 2 days. I don’t even have to wear a pad or tampon.

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