“Haters gonna hate”
The glorious thing about the internet is that no matter the problem (ingrown hairs? cranky toddler? whatthef*&#isthatlump? best sushi in Toronto? do these jeans my my ass look like a mom’s?), I can ask The Internet and all answers can be found. Dr. Google diagnoses my medical problems (they’re always terminal), Twitter advises me on my relationships (I’m always right) and my message groups enable my shopping addiction (because I actually do need thirty-two t-shirts). It’s a wonderful world, this innernet is.
There are people ready to jump to my side to support me without really knowing the other side of the story, no matter what. Sure, there are trolls, too, but who listens to them anyhow? We all know that trolls aren’t real people. They’re just lonely basement dwellers with nothing better to do than wander around from site to site searching for people to insult by way of incoherent ramblings surely not based in reality. And if they are real people? Well, they don’t understand us, they can’t see the truth, they’re jealous/uninformed/bitter/assholes. Positive comments are always the most accurate. Negative feedback is always wrong.
I mean… haters gonna hate. Right?
If I tweet about a conflict with a friend, you’ll all tell me I’m in the right, right? If I tell you I’ve made a stupid parenting decision, you’ll tell me that’s not true, that I’m a great mom. If I say I’m fat, you’ll tell me I’m not. I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m a great friend, and this is my happy place. And if anyone begs to differ, they’re wrong, they’re trolls, they’re bullies and I. Am. RIGHT.
The problem with discounting anything (and often everything) negative is that sometimes, on occasion, maybe we’re really not right. Sometimes we need that kick in the rear, or that reality check. Sometimes tough love is required (and no, criticism isn’t the same as bullying, people). Sometimes when your ethics are scrutinized, it’s for damn good reason and instead of spouting off that bullshit phrase, “Haters gonna hate!“, you need to take a step back and examine your actions. Sometimes we all need a little reality up in this joint.
We’re not always right. We’re not always awesome. Our actions are not always with the best intentions. Sometimes we do stupid stuff. Often we’re insensitive, greedy, self-centred, lazy shits. We’re humans, right? The internet doesn’t exist in some vacuum, we are the world, and all that. So we can’t always be right. Sure, there are some people who troll about looking for pots to stir, but discounting every single negative comment as hatred is hilariously narcissistic.
This cocoon we form around ourselves by exercising our right to block, unfollow, ignore, lay blame… it doesn’t erase the truth. “Haters gonna hate” is the new head-in-the-sand avoidance technique. And we can all still see you(‘re an ass).
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25 thoughts on ““Haters gonna hate””
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Ah…this post does come at an apropos time in my life. A friend posted a video of her kid having a tantrum with a comment saying how everyone always posts cutesy wootsey videos of their kids. I responded with Most parents don’t post the non-cute vidoes of their kids because they are too busy disciplining them to video them…. which of course started a war between my-now-not-speaking-to-me friend and her relatives who were very much on the defense for her. I tried to correct the error but made it worse so while I deleted the 2nd comment (of trying to explain my foot in my mouth) I definitely left the first one because I meant it. And if we never speak again I have to stand by the fact that I wrote something, apologized for the way she took it but left it because I meant it. For a day or so I wondered how I looked because even my own husband doesn’t support me (he doesn’t have to agree but he said I embarrassed him)… but you know, wrong or right, if I’m an a-hole or not, I’m going to stand there with egg on my face all alone but at least it isn’t in the sand. 😉
Most often, I don’t bother to leave comments when I’m anti-whatever. But when people ask for advice? Or comments? Well, yeah. Why would I lie about stuff? I just think it’s a lot of ego-stroking enabling.
That sucks about you and your friend, though. (Although, sometimes I just stand back and watch Mason have throw-down tantrums, and I totally would record that.)
Normally I do the same but she sounded put off by the cute videos so I felt the wine I drank that night was telling me it was ok to respond with why she rarely sees the non-cute ones.
I also just sit back and watch the tantrum play itself out most of the time. Usually they’re done before I can think of recording it. Haha!
Also, who the hell wants to watch other peoples’ kids freak out? Pssshhh, I get that enough at home. I’d rather see cute stuff.
Great post as always, Alex. Sometimes we’re not right and it takes a secure person to admit to a mistake.
Thanks, Maria.
There are tons of times I’m so, so wrong. A big part of why I rarely tweet or blog about personal conflicts is because most often, people rally to my support when I often just want to vent and accept that I’m an unreasonable nutjob, not seek blanket support. :p
This. Is. So. True.
I think what resonates most with me is that while I follow a ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it’ rule typically, I find that some people *love* the chance to jump on the old negative train.
“That person is sooo in the wrong, you are soooo right. They suck” is an easy bandwagon/team sport to jump on. But I’ve seen those get out of control online. When person A feels offended by person B so person A and their friends trash person B. Even if person B was wrong/nasty, stooping to those levels make person A not much better.
The ‘don’t feed the trolls’ mantra is a good one online. Another one I like: surround yourself with great people.
I agree, Rebecca. I don’t think my criticism is always welcome, and I do usually keep it to myself. But that doesn’t mean I’m getting on the “YAY YOU” bandwagon when I don’t know all sides.
Wait, if I agree with you…..am I jumping on your bandwagon again? LOL.
You’re contractually obligated to NEVER DISAGRRE with me.
So very true!
I love the honesty in all of your posts.
When your right you’re right, when your wrong you’re wrong. Some people need to own up it.
Thanks, Michelle. 🙂
This reminds me of an issue I run into often enough, where you either meet or are about to meet someone who has a reputation for being a grandiose asshole. Everyone who knows them tells you not to take their rudeness or assholishness personally. That’s just how the person is. Likely this is what they were told when they met the person and were first pointlessly insulted by him or her…
But. Being an asshole and having that “just be the way you are” is not an excuse for being an asshole. It’s circular logic, and just because the people around you let you get away with being an asshole, it doesn’t mean they were right to not address the fact that you’re a dick. Being an asshole isn’t an excuse for being an asshole, no matter how much people defend you.
Yeah, I’ve been that asshole.
There’s a difference, I think, between disagreeing and being negative for the sake of being negative (which seems to be a much more troll-y way of behaving online)
I tend to NOT really disagree much online—since, you know, people don’t like it much. Like, this week, one of my best friends posted on facebook about going full paleo diet for a month (no sugar, no carbs, no alcohol) and I told her that she couldn’t do it and that she already knows how I feel about cutting entire food groups (I don’t believe in it..I believe, personally, in a diet that including lots of good things—fruit, vegetables, lean meats, complex carbs, protein, etc. I believe in things in moderation—not cutting food groups) but hoo boy did people get upset on that thread.
So, I bowed out of the conversation. Because those people didn’t want to hear what I had to say. They really just wanted to talk about how great paleo is. Which is fine…
(the friend and I are totally okay. No bad feelings here, ps.)
BUT,
I steer clear of this usually, because it’s tiring.
On the flip side…I’m totally cool with people disagreeing with me—they do it all the time. As long as it’s polite and cordial—not assy and rude. THAT I will not stand for. 🙂
See, I often steer clear of criticising people, too, but I don’t resort to supporting them, either. I just say nothing at all.
I guess I’m missing something—I wasn’t criticizing her. Or I wasn’t trying to? She actually ASKED in her status “Can I do it?” which is why I said no, since she loves wine and drinks her coffee light and sweet.
I don’t feel like I criticize people?
criticizing and disagreeing are not the same?
My response wasn’t about your particular situation. But I’d say what you did was criticize her choice of diet, but why is that negative? And when you know someone is looking for a blanket, “Yeah, you can!”, then I guess saying no is a little rainy on their parade.
Disagreeing and criticizing are sometimes difficult to distinguish, I guess. Or most likely it’s my lack of English language understanding.
I think it’s me.
I probably need to stop commenting altogether. I’m confusing myself. Heh.
Nope, it’s probably me. Ignore me.
Tough love blows goats but it is often exactly what we need. As an example, a few weeks ago you dished me a large dose of suck-it-up-buttercup. I gotta tell you, I was pretty pissed at the time because I *thought* I needed a shoulder to cry on…but I was wrong. I really needed a kick-in-the-ass but I didn’t know it. Either you knew it or you were just being a bitch that day. No matter which is true, I thank you for it.
As for haters gonna hate… I try not to be that guy and if I don’t have anything nice to say, I tried not to say it. Sometimes something winds me up and my inner asshole comes out.
I like to think I’m never a bitch intentionally, Steve. When you’re super down, I’m here to pick you up, not slap you. But sometimes, yeah, we ALL need a little kick.
When I was younger I felt the need to get into every discussion. It’s pointless and leads to frustration much of the time. If someone asks for input, I give an honest answer, and I will always be frank with friends and family because I love them.
In this weird internety world I’ve leapt into I step back. If I genuinely agree or like something I’ll comment. If not I let it slide. Nobody wants to hear my voice on every issue.
There’s a saying I love: “You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to”.
It has taken me years to understand that my opinion isn’t always welcome. That said, I don’t jump into supporting people, either. I just stay silent.
Totally. Haters mean that I’ve got an opinion that someone has disagreed with. I don’t need everyone to agree with me. I need intelligent conversation and debate so my mind doesn’t turn to mush. Haters aren’t bullies. Bullies are idiots who disagree because they can, and not because they think.