The expectations were always just out of reach. I could feel the sinews and tendons pull, vibrating softly, but it wasn’t enough. If only I could be just that little bit more, or that small amount less, then I could be perfect. I should try harder, but even then it wouldn’t be enough.

You don’t own me, I’m not just one of your many toys

Try as I might to carve holes, the walls stand firm. And even when someone makes it through, I’m waiting to push them, cram them, shove them out and patch up the hole. It is easier to hide than to face more judgement.

You don’t own me, don’t say I can’t go with other boys

You cannot reach a goal you cannot define. You cannot find a destination that’s unknown. You cannot be what you cannot dream.

I spent so long trying to become the dreams of others that I lost track of my own.

And don’t tell me what to do
And don’t tell me what to say

Always wondering how I could please, improve or do better, and never quite managing. I tried to be stronger, bolder, braver to protect myself, but even then I failed. Why does it have to take so long for us to get to know ourselves? Why are we always the last to see through our own veils?

And please, when I go out with you
Don’t put me on display, ’cause

I made mistakes. I forgave many. And looking back, I don’t think I’d change anything, but oh, I wish I hadn’t tried to reach so far. I wish I had known it was ok to be myself.

They’re the same messages I send myself daily. It’s ok. You can do it. Talk to yourself the way you talk to your children. Be as proud of yourself as you are of your husband. Love yourself the way you love your family.

So. I own myself. I own each piece of this perfect me. I’m so lucky to have a family behind me pushing-pushing-pushing me to my dreams.

And nothing anyone says will stop me now.

You don’t own me, don’t try to change me in any way
You don’t own me, don’t tie me down ’cause I’d never stay

* Lyrics from You Don’t Own Me