Oh, So Tired
I am a self-proclaimed “silver-lining-finder”. It’s not something I shove down the throats of others, but a way I cope within myself, to stave off the hounds of anxiety and depression. Whenever I’ve gone through a challenging time, I’ve found peace in the small spots of joy — you know how much I hate toxic positivity, so I try to avoid that, but without focussing on something good, I can easily tip into dark waters. Today, I am bobbing along in those cold waters.
It’s now been 112 days of social isolation for me and my kids. We’ve seen, at a distance (of course), less than half a dozen others since March 12, 2020. I’ve been inside stores less than ten times since then.
I’ve made hundreds (and hundreds) of masks, cooked more than 300 meals, planned how to get food and household items, worked from home, balanced books and paid the bills, tried to plan for a mysterious summer, managed moods (my own and those of my kids…), juggled mental health challenges (again, my own, and those of my kids), wrapped up a 3.5-year divorce process, supported others, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, tried to keep faith, cried, screamed, begged, and generally stumbled through life — it’s a blur. I’ve accomplished so much, and have nothing to show for the effort.
It seems like years ago that I wrote about The Overwhelm — when really, it was just 80 days ago.
I am tired. From the depths of my self, I am utterly exhausted.
And, because I am known for my oversharing, I want to write about this exhaustion in the hopes that it helps someone out there feel less alone.
I am thankful that I sleep, because my waking hours are fraught with unending thoughts that take me in dizzying circles. I want to be in control of my life, and this ceaseless lack of control terrifies me. My sleep is full of bizarre dreams, but I will take those any day over the over-analyzing I do every. waking. moment. The news (and what I see in public now, with people throwing caution to the wind) has made me realize the deep truth of the saying, “Ignorance is bliss” — do I ever wish I was blind to reality, just for a little while, these days. I want a break from my own thoughts. I want peace.
I am tired of being told I am over-reacting. Tired of being told I am doing things the wrong way. Tired of never catching up. Tired of failing myself. Tired of being never enough. Tired of being cooped up. Tired of being in fear. Tired of being in a grey area. Tired of being responsible for every little everything.
But I know I’m not alone.
And you aren’t alone out there, I promise. If you’re afraid, if you’re anxious, if you’re at your wit’s end, please know you’re not actually alone in these thoughts. The good days will come again, despite how bleak and cold the water feels today.
I am going to set my intentions daily to remind myself of some good things, to keep myself afloat. Maybe it will help you to do the same?
Today, I am grateful for…
…my kids, and their continued health.
Maybe tomorrow’s list will be longer, but today, that is enough. Today, I am enough.