Near-death by hashbrown

Near-death by hashbrown



Every morning I wake up at 6:30 and check my friendly social media outlets. Facebook and Twitter at that time in the morning, are brimming with happy morning folks starting their days. My timelines are generally awash in, “Just got back from the gym!” and “Check out this healthy smoothie I made!” while I sip hot, black coffee contemplating just how bad it would be if I ate that chocolate-covered-Skor-bit-dipped marshmallow for breakfast.

Today, I had a particularly tumultuous morning with Mason. He’s the very definition of three-years-old, you see, and likes to push mommy’s very worn-down buttons. It’s a struggle getting him up, dressed and out the door to take Story to her bus, which arrives way too freaking early at 7:30. When I managed to finally get him to preschool (only ten minutes late, yes!), I decided I’d treat myself to a lovely McDonald’s breakfast. Take note that while I do love this disgusting food, it isn’t something I eat very often.

When I got home, I plopped myself down on the couch to enjoy my breakfast in total silence. All alone. I was feeling pretty smug at this point. In my head, I had planned out a snarky tweet: I’d razz all my friends about how they had to deal with chia seeds stuck in their teeth and deep green bowel movements while I, I was enjoying this heavenly breakfast.

That’s when I inhaled a piece of my hashbrown and my entire life flashed before my eyes. Ok, that’s a slight exaggeration, but the gist is this: I sucked back a tiny piece of mushy potato-like-substance so far into my esophagus I didn’t even know that part had feeling and ohmygod it hurt. I cough, and then couldn’t quite get the air to cough again and all I could think was, “OhmygodwhowillpickMasonupfromschoolandwhatiftheyfindmedeadonthefloorwith McDonald’strasharoundmethatwouldbepost-mortemmortifyingpleaseletthisnothappen.

And that stupid piece of hash brown went flying out of my throat and onto my leg.


So naturally, I tweeted about it (read from the bottom up):

This is my legacy.

So that’s pretty much been my morning. How are you?

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25 thoughts on “Near-death by hashbrown

  1. Hahahahahaha! I’m sorry that you almost died because of fake food, but man that was really funny… apart from the almost dying part. Yum… sausage and egg McMuffin…

  2. This is scary. I’m so glad it came out ok!! I recently took a first aid course so learned about how to handle this. First, you cough as hard as you can. You did that and it worked. Thank god. Did you know about running into the back of a chair or other piece of furniture? Do it so the corner hits between your ribs, the open space. As hard as you can, over and over. It is better to cause damage to yourself than to die.

    This is reminding me of that movie 127 hours I watched last night. Thank goodness your situation was no where that dire!

    Also, I eat McDonalds and drink smoothies every morning with supplements. I guess that means I can’t snark at anyone 🙂

    1. I did know about the chair thing, but you know, in the moment, it totally left my mind. I was so scared!

  3. You know, it’s the little things that can really make or break your day, isn’t it? But in the end, there is no way that you will be felled by a piece of hasbrown, a lowly fried potato (or is it potatoe? Memories of Dan Quayle… I digress). I don’t believe in GOD but if I did, I would say he has better plans for you than that. 😉

  4. So were you able to finish your breakfast after nearly choking? Sometimes an incident like that will totally kill my appetite!

  5. LMAO over here!!! Sorry, not at what happened to you (i’ve been there, only for me it was a greasy taco) but at how your writing is amazing! My eyes are still watering I am not even sure what I have typed here makes sense. Man now I want McDonalds breakfast!!

    Glad to hear you are okay Alex 🙂

  6. I was also going to tell you about the running into chairs thing. I’m so glad you’re okay. And I love this refreshing honesty, my friend. There’s no meal more ruined by chia seeds and spinach than my beloved breakfast (don’t throw your egg whites at me, you healthy folk!)

  7. I laughed reading your tweets this morning. My morning was sans-choking so I think, fairly drama free in comparison. Would you like some smoothie recipes?

  8. Alex, I’m so glad you’re ok. We’ve had more than one choking incident happen so the thought freaks me out! And so interesting that this little anecdote actually gave some people a craving for McD’s!!

  9. I did almost the exact same thing today. I almost inhaled my cold pizza. Wait, I did inhale it, just not in that sense. Now I have to figure out what in the hell I’m going to have for lunch.

    1. Clearly, Sharon, you are much smarter than I am. Aren’t you the one who still cuts her kids’ grapes, too?

  10. I feel like I should feel bad for cry-laughing through this post, but it was hilarious. I love me a McD’s breakfast and I try to limit them to roadtrips.

    So glad you didn’t die!

    1. We should totally get McDs breakfast together sometime. That way, if either of us chokes, the other (hopefully) can save them. Or at least call 9-1-1.

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