Introverted instincts, with extroverted feelings, that’s me. If you’re looking for some way to define me, I’m introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging. INFJ. And it sometimes causes me trouble.
My heart firmly planted on my sleeve, emotions and opinions rarely hidden. I judge, sometimes too quickly, other peoples’ motives but the reality is that my instincts are rarely wrong. When slighted, I snap back, and I admit that my grudges are long-lasting. And although I really, truly despise conflict, I will always stand up when I think something is unfair.
I can read body language like it’s a book. I know when people are lying, and while I wish I could let things go, it’s not in me. I read the undertones in text, I can tell when I’m not liked. It’s a constant fixation, and I wish I could ignore it, override it somehow. I just really find it easier to avoid most people than deal with these things.
I’m fiercely loyal but once crossed, the door is closed and I’m finished. Done. There’s no going back once I’ve compartmentalized the feelings and although I may stew in them eternally, there’s no real chance of repair. I don’t care if you call me what I am: stubborn, opinionated, bossy… but call me something I’m not and I can’t handle it.
I have surrounded myself with a soft cloud of people I trust and let into my life. There aren’t many who really get in, but I have a lot of acquaintances I really do care for. Having this circle is so good for my introverted self. I get to interact at a distance and protect myself this way. Most times this works out for the best, but there are an awful lot of times when my hasty decisions have backfired, but such is life. My desire to protect myself is stronger than my desire to give anyone negatively impacting my life any more access to my feelings. Harsh, maybe. But it saves me from those feelings.
How many times was I told I was wiser than my years? How many times have I seen beneath the layers people wear to face the public? How often do I find myself lost in conversation and the stories of other people? I live the very definition of the INFJ personality and to be honest, it’s a struggle. Why can’t I harness this? Why can’t I put these traits to some better use? I don’t know.
It’s only been in recent years I’ve really begun to understand myself, and to allow myself to just… be. I like me. I make no more apologies for being this way and expect none from others. And although I can wear masks, too, I’m still this introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging person under here, still feeling all the feelings, still knowing all the things.
And sometimes, like this week, I just find it all a little too much to deal with. So I’m asking for a little space for now. Here, there, and everywhere.