I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that
Once upon a time, I enjoyed talking on the phone. Of course, that was when I still enjoyed having my heart stomped on by mean boys, loved teasing my bangs, had no driver’s license and liked eating Jolly Ranchers until my mouth skin peeled. These days, to say I loathe the phone is too gentle a statement.
Every person I meet who is a phone person (we refer to them cheekily as “phonies” in my house) simply can’t fathom why I wouldn’t just pick up the phone for a little chit chat. Instead, I email, text, tweet, whatever. Anything but the phone.
Why? I guess there are a number of reasons. I stopped calling people because I always felt like I was imposing. I stopped calling because the truth is that most days, I have nothing of interest to share. I stopped calling because I absolutely despise small talk on the phone. My ear gets hot, I’m unproductive, and it’s just a general waste of time.
I call my parents because they live a couple time zones away, and they’re the only people on earth I bend the rules for. I call my husband if I really can’t be bothered to text whatever I need to say. I call my kids in sick to school, and call their various doctors to make appointments. I do not call friends. I do not call my husband’s family. I do not use the phone.
I do not like the phone you see,
The phone is not the thing for me.
I do not like to take a call,
I do not like to make a call,
I do not like calls in the day,
I do not like calls, please obey!
I will not call you now or then,
There is no need to ask me when.
I won’t pick up that phone you see
Phoning friends is not for me!