I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that

Once upon a time, I enjoyed talking on the phone. Of course, that was when I still enjoyed having my heart stomped on by mean boys, loved teasing my bangs, had no driver’s license and liked eating Jolly Ranchers until my mouth skin peeled. These days, to say I loathe the phone is too gentle a statement.

Every person I meet who is a phone person (we refer to them cheekily as “phonies” in my house) simply can’t fathom why I wouldn’t just pick up the phone for a little chit chat. Instead, I email, text, tweet, whatever. Anything but the phone.

Why? I guess there are a number of reasons. I stopped calling people because I always felt like I was imposing. I stopped calling because the truth is that most days, I have nothing of interest to share. I stopped calling because I absolutely despise small talk on the phone. My ear gets hot, I’m unproductive, and it’s just a general waste of time.

I call my parents because they live a couple time zones away, and they’re the only people on earth I bend the rules for. I call my husband if I really can’t be bothered to text whatever I need to say. I call my kids in sick to school, and call their various doctors to make appointments. I do not call friends. I do not call my husband’s family. I do not use the phone.

I do not like the phone you see,
The phone is not the thing for me.
I do not like to take a call,
I do not like to make a call,
I do not like calls in the day,
I do not like calls, please obey!
I will not call you now or then,
There is no need to ask me when.
I won’t pick up that phone you see
Phoning friends is not for me!

I would do anything for love. Except this.There are an awful lot of things I will do for my friends. I love you, I do, and I know some of you really, really love chatting on the phone and I’d love to help you out, but I won’t do that.

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Alex

12 thoughts on “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that

  1. I hate the phone. Partly bec I have a hearing loss that makes it difficult to hear certain voices (voices have frequencies) and partly bec I used to have a job that required me to answer the phone by the third ring and it neverevereverever stopped ringing so I never got my regular job done which as a result makes me allergic to phones, and partly bec….well, email, texting and tweeting are so easy and what’s best is that people can CHOOSE their own time when to read what I wrote. Instead of being the interrupter or interruptee.

    1. YUP to all that. I also despise talking on cell phones because so often the reception is crappy, making it such a miserable experience overall.

  2. I approve and Dr. Seuss does too! šŸ˜€

    When it rings (my iThing is set to old fashioned ringing) my heart stops for a second. I assume it’s horrible news!

    I won’t be calling you to discuss it further. šŸ˜‰

  3. It’s funny…I’ve never been one of those people who hate talking on the phone, but my love for it has gone down over recent years for sure. I love texting because it’s not super intrusive, plus you never have to go through that whole preamble of “hi, how are you? What’s new, blah blah blah.” Texting allows one to get straight to the point. And the good news about email is that it allows us to think about what we’re going to say in advance, which I’m always better at.

    1. Yes. That’s another thing…I prefer being able to consider what I want to say before blurting it out (because I blurt all the wrong things).

  4. I love this! I could have written it!

    I can only talk to my dad and my brother on the phone. Otherwise, I get sweaty. I also babble and stutter and completely forget what is being said. I like to have things written down so I can refer back to them if I need to.

  5. Another reason why we’re such good friends šŸ™‚ I don’t even phone for doctor’s appointments anymore – our MD’s office is on email!! My only phone calls are to my parents, for the same reason as you. But even then we are just as likely to FB or Skype each other.

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