I hope this finds you without a charger while traveling.

I hope this finds you never being able to fully yawn.

I hope this finds you with every screwdriver bit except the one you need.

I hope this finds you saying, “Ok bye, love you!” to a coworker by accident.

I hope this finds you dropping your phone in a public toilet.

I hope this finds you with a nosebleed.

I hope this finds you with a splinter in your index finger that’s too small to remove, and it gets infected so you have to take a round of antibiotics that give you thrush.

I hope this finds you realizing your milk’s gone sour only after you take a swig of coffee.

I hope this finds you with diarrhea during an important meeting.

I hope this finds you biting your cheek, and then continuing to bite it every day for a month.

I hope this finds you with toothpaste residue in the corners of your mouth.

I hope this finds you with tags that itch the back of your neck in every shirt you own.

I hope this finds you realizing your pants are see-through when you’re already out in public.

I hope this finds you with a rogue nose hair on a first date.

I hope this finds you with zippers that catch on the fabric on every jacket you own.

I hope this finds you with a compromised credit card on a first date and your card declines and you forgot your bank card at home.

I hope this finds you deciding to yank off a hangnail and having it tear a strip of skin off the side of your finger.

I hope this finds you clogging the toilet after a monstrous poop at a friend’s house.

I hope this finds you with an expired passport three hours before a vacation.

I hope this finds you swallowing wrong and making that sharp little gasp noise.

I hope this finds you realizing they were all actually faking it every time.

I hope this finds you with an itch that never goes away.

I hope this finds you stuck in traffic every time you get into your car.

I hope this finds you telling a story, realizing nobody is actually listening, and trailing off into silence.

I hope this finds you with a huge, sore blind pimple in your nostril.

I hope this finds you with the Kars for Kids jingle stuck in your head on repeat.

I hope this finds you with blisters on your heels and a long walk ahead.

I hope this finds you with an unwipeable poop and you think everyone around you can smell you all day long.

I hope this finds you after a garlicky meal in a crowded elevator with an important client.

I hope this finds you discovering you’ve had something stuck in your front teeth for hours.

I hope this finds you being audited.

I hope this finds you awkwardly hovering because you don’t know where to stand.

I hope this finds you with ten sore tastebuds drinking lemonade.

I hope this finds you with the corners of your mouth cracked and scabby.

I hope this finds you with a runny nose and no tissue.

I hope this finds you with a perpetually sweaty ass crack.

I hope this finds you with heartburn every time you lie down.

I hope this finds you missing the last step and looking like a complete tool in public.

I hope this finds you with eczema on your crotch.

I hope this finds you with an eyelash in your eye that you just can’t get out.

I hope this finds you with greasy glasses constantly.

I hope this finds you sneezing every time your mouth is full of food.

I hope this finds you with a wet spot on your crotch that never dries.

I hope this finds you with the back of your hair looking like a rat’s nest without you realizing it.

I hope this finds you choking on your own saliva every time you try to speak.

I hope this finds you with your mouth full every time someone asks you a question.

I hope this finds you with a space bar that never works.

I hope this finds you failing at parallel parking every time you try.

I hope this finds you with a bad haircut every single time.

I hope this finds you having to tell the receptionist in a crowded doctor’s office that you’re there because of an infected hemmorhoid.

I hope this finds you not hearing what someone said, so you ask them to repeat it, but you still don’t hear it.

I hope this finds you burning your tongue on your morning coffee and being unable to taste anything for a week.

I hope this finds you trusting a fart that should absolutely not have been trusted.

I hope this finds you taking a pill that gets lodged in your throat halfway down.

I hope this finds you scraping a fork along your teeth every time you eat.

I hope this finds you with a coffee stain on every shirt you own.

I hope this finds you with a spider crawling across your face at 2:54am.

I hope this finds you discovering a pube in every meal you eat at a restaurant.

I hope this finds you missing one belt loop every time.

I hope this finds you with a popcorn kernel shell lodged between your tooth and gum.

I hope this finds you with a perpetually dry mouth so every time you speak it sounds like you’ve got the worst pasties of all time.

I hope this finds you exuberantly waving and yelling hello to a friend only to realize that’s definitely a stranger.

I hope this finds you confidently using a word that does not mean what you think it means.

I hope this finds you misjudging a chair and committing publicly.

I hope this finds you saying, “I love you,” and hearing, “Aw, thank you” in return.

I hope this finds you eating undercooked chicken.

I hope this finds you sending a screenshot to the person you were screenshotting.

I hope this finds you thinking someone is talking to you and answering loudly when they were on Bluetooth.

I hope this finds you loudly farting at a funeral.

I hope this finds you getting a 👍 response to every text you send.

I hope this finds you going in for a hug when the other person was only offering a handshake.

I hope this finds you discovering your voice does that thing when you’re nervous.

I hope this finds you with none of your work saved.

I hope this finds you with uncontrollable farts while you sleep.

I hope this finds you stepping in a huge, hot pile of dog shit every time you leave the house.

I hope this finds you having to pee the very moment before you fall asleep.

I hope this finds you stopped at every single red light always.

I hope this finds you with your pants around your ankles mid-poop realizing the bathroom door didn’t lock.

I hope this finds you with perpetually hard butter.

I hope this finds you with hiccups every time you’re nervous.

I hope this finds you tagged in every bad photo of yourself.

I hope this finds you forgetting the attachment every time you email someone.

I hope this finds you with a rotting potato somewhere you can’t find it.

I hope this finds you with a gastro bug that affects you at both ends simultaneously.

I hope this finds you with a frog in your throat constantly.

I hope this finds you realizing that that bad smell is in fact you.

I hope this finds you with a paper cut in your finger crotch.

I hope this finds you typing a long, heartfelt message and watching it fail to send.

I hope this finds you with visible pit stains.

I hope this finds you with feet that never stop smelling like hot garbage.

I hope this finds you with a booger you only discover after the meeting ends.

I hope this finds you on empty without a gas station anywhere close.

I hope this finds you with broken phone chargers.

I hope this finds you with lukewarm meals.

I hope this finds you always feeling like you need to pee but never being able to.

I hope this finds you having to explain every joke you tell, and still having nobody laugh.

I hope this finds you sexting your boss accidentally.

I hope this finds you getting your belt loop stuck on every cupboard.

I hope this finds you sitting in a wad of freshly chewed bubble gum.

I hope this finds you with chronic chapped lips.

I hope this finds you with toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

I hope this finds you running for a train while wearing a backpack and business clothes.

I hope this finds you saying, “You, too!” every time a server says, “Enjoy your meal.”

I hope this finds you showing up for your flight a day late.

I hope this finds you accidentally liking your ex’s photo from 5 years ago at 2:37am.

I hope this finds you with your search history screen shared during a work presentation.

I hope this finds you with your DMs made public.

I hope this finds you unknowingly pocket dialling someone while you’re talking shit about them.

I hope this finds you with your entire camera roll made public.

I hope this finds you forgetting where you parked your car in a huge parking lot.

I hope this finds you always dressed for the opposite weather.

I hope this finds you unable to find your keys every time you’re late for anything.

I hope this finds you left on read.