A Thing That Scares Me
This should be a weekly series, shouldn’t it? It totally could be. Since I deal with a fair bit of general anxiety, shyness and am introverted, merely being in public can be scary for me. I work from home and have limited in-person interactions, which probably just exacerbates the whole thing, but I digress.
This week’s Thing That Scares Me: Travelling Alone.
When I first moved to Toronto, I witnessed a subway jumper. Some poor soul took their life by jumping in front of the subway car I was riding — I was standing looking out the window they jumped onto. It was, to say the least, traumatic to witness. And it also made it nearly impossible for me to take the subway. I certainly couldn’t do it alone. It got worse as years went by, to the point where I refused to take public transportation at all. (And now that I live far out in the near-sticks, that’s rarely an issue, so it’s not even something I need to confront.) And then, it extended to any kind of solo travel. I haven’t had to do much of it, so the idea of doing any gives me cold sweats, a racing heart, and an upset stomach.
Today I am taking a giant leap, and I am absolutely scared shitless.
I am flying to Zurich alone, to participate in a conference.
I know I sound silly for being so afraid. I’ve flown countless times, how hard could it be? But I am riddled with fears about not doing the right thing, or not being in the right place, or a million other small things that could go awry.
And then I’m going to a place I’ve never been, to speak in front of people I’ve never met, and I’ll be alone, alone, alone.
So this is my Thing That Scares Me this week. And I feel like that’s exciting, and very, very fitting because this is also my last stretch as a 39-year-old. And turning 40 kinda scares me, too. But that can be next week’s Thing That Scares Me, because I’m too busy being freaked out about my pending travels to worry about aging right now.