A letter unsent | I don't blog, but if I did...

A letter unsent

An adoptee's journey to find their roots is often a solitary one, by need.

You told me you loved me over and over, and I believed you. Never for a moment did I doubt that infinite love, or feel rejected, abandoned, less-than. I was chosen. I chose you. My eyes met yours and we became one forever. You held me and have never let me go.

I loved you more than anything in this world; I still love you more than you’ll ever know. Or maybe you do know? Maybe that’s how you managed to keep your patience with me all those times I screamed in your face that you’re not my mother? The times as a petulant child when I’d say I wished someone would come and rescue me and take me back to my real mother? Maybe you knew that regardless of the way I came to be yours, I was never anyone else’s? Is that endless well of love, that mother’s love, the thread that connected us even when times were terrible between us? All those nights I never came home, the worry, the threats, the cruelty and harsh words I threw at you. Is that how a mother’s love survives? By hanging onto the moments when our infants stared into our eyes, filled with adoration and trust?

Mom, I love you. The words cannot convey the feeling.

Me, with my pale skin and grey-blue eyes. You, with your olive skin and eyes so deep blue they’re nearly black. You, with your artistic skills and me, with my wit. Me, clumsy and silly and you, ever-graceful and composed. My body so different from yours, my mannerisms seeking only to imitate.

We would stare into the mirror, faces pressed together by my desperate hands.

Same-same, right mommy? We look the same, right?

Desperate.

Yes, we are the same.”

Reassuring.

Except we’re not.

And as much as I love you and Dad so fully, deeply and unquestioningly this journey is one I have to take. It diminishes none of my love. It lessens none of the importance of who our family is. It takes nothing away.

I just hope you understand.

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37 Responses to “A letter unsent”

  1. Brandee

    Heart wrenchingly beautiful. I hope that she understands and knows that just because you want to know more, that SHE is the mother you love, no matter what. I wish you nothing but love and peace on this journey my friend.

    • alexandria

      Thank you. I don’t know what those are yet, but I hope the same for myself. 🙂

  2. Dawn

    And… Tears.
    Heart wrenching.
    Beautiful.
    Honest.
    Pure.
    Best of luck… In all angles… On your journey.

  3. Cynthia

    Absolutely beautiful, and I think so many adoptees could relate. I hope that you can find what you’re looking for in your search.

  4. Jen Banks

    Wow! Reading this took my breath away. I hope you find everything you were looking for and get all of the support you need.

  5. Paula Schuck

    Dammit! Now you made me cry. I love this and this story/ life arc journey you ate writing about. This is soo
    Beautiful. I am an adoptive mother and I get this fully. I bet they know you live them and I would hope they are supportive in this. I hope you find the answers you need and I just really love that you are Sharing. Thank you!

    Paula
    @inkscrblr

    • Paula Schuck

      Damn spelling are not ate and love not live. Sorry!

    • alexandria

      Thanks for reading, Paula. I appreciate your support.

  6. Mommy Outside

    It’s often a strange and lonely place to be in – being an adoptee. I wish that I felt this way, that my mother loved me enough to handle the insecurities that go along with looking for my birth parents. Sadly she does not. She has never been part of that journey with me, not there to lend support, to listen to my own insecurities. We are not the same and never have been. That is my reality.

    Thank you so much for sharing this, even though it’s apparent that there are some huge differences in our stories, it is still a similiar journey and I wish you all the best on yours.

      • Mommy Outside

        There was a time that I would say yes, that’s exactly what she is. However, at this point it would just be yet another nail in the coffin that has become our relationship. It would be the final and ultimate betrayal (in her mind) if she had any idea that I have even thought about finding my birth mother, let alone the fact that I actually did find her.

      • alexandria

        That is gut-wrenchingly sad. I’m so sorry that that’s the way she interprets it.

  7. midlifenatalie

    I am also adopted. The only time I ever felt that need to find my birth mother was when I was in high school and a friend knew who her birth mother was. It was almost like peer pressure. I did a few things and nothing ever came of it. Several years later the adoption agency sent me a note saying that my birth mother had a letter for me. One that she had just sent and because I had contacted them 5 years before they knew my current address. I allowed it to be sent and replied, but that was it. 7 years later I decided to contact the agency on the note she gave me. I just felt like I should give her the same privilege she gave me. The ability to contact me if she needed anything. There was some initial phone calls back and forth, but I wasn’t interested in a reunion. I let her know that I was so thankful for what she did for me. That was 10 years ago. I get facebook notes from her on rare occasions but that’s it. She was very nice to accept my limits and not try to meet. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel the need to have relationship. I felt horrible that as she cried the first time we were on the phone I didn’t feel anything. I do get the need to find answers and maybe I found what I needed by just finding out the background info I got early on. I hope you find exactly what you need!

    • alexandria

      Thank you for sharing this. I don’t think I need a relationship, either. It just isn’t what I’m seeking. But information… that would be helpful. It really helps hearing what others who’ve been through it have gone through.

  8. Kim

    What an amazing letter. I have adopted my child and more on the way. My story is a little different. My son knows his bio mom, he came to me at 8 yrs old. I encourage him to keep his memory of her and know that there are now 2 moms that love him so much! I hope when he gets to the age of being able to see her again that he knows that it’s ok to see her and find his journey, and himself! Any child that was adopted should be free without judgement from their parents to find the answers they need to in order for them to become who they truly are supposed to be, and not feel lost because they aren’t sure of answers.
    Good Luck Alexandria on your journey, I hope you find everything you need to know. Good or Bad, in the end you have your mom to comfort and support you in the end…

    to mommy outside… I wish and hope that your mom will come to understand why you need to do your own journey.

    Good luck to everyone else who is in their journey.. This is one mom that supports and wishes you all well…

  9. Harriet

    Nice to read about your adoption journey. As you know, we have an open adoption so we all know each other. I do love knowing where my son gets his features and some of his temperment and skills … and I hope he will as well. How this will all play out over time is a mystery.

  10. Ryan

    Amazing.

    I live through all the considerations and deliberations. I ride the roller coaster ride with you in the seat beside you. Yet, somehow, you manage to describe with just a few words the experience and emotions better than my own, first-hand understanding.

  11. Amber

    Beautifully written Alex. I hope you find the answers you need.

    • alexandria

      Thank you for reading, Lena. It means a lot to me.

  12. Kathryn

    I know you have been thinking about this, praying, and hoping. Just know Paul and I love you dearly and back your play…always.

    Love you, Lexie!

    K.

    • alexandria

      Thanks, K.

      Aside: I really miss talking to you and P frequently! <3

  13. Kathryn

    I miss it too. Life sure seems to get in the way, but we think of you guys often and have not given up the idea of a trip to Canada.

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