I’ll follow you into the dark | I don't blog, but if I did...

I’ll follow you into the dark

Talking to kids about death is absolutely heartbreaking.

Yesterday at school, my seven-year-old daughter said something she wished she could take back the moment it escaped her lips. She threatened to hurt herself, because she was feeling trapped in a situation with her classmates and felt embarrassed. She didn’t really want to do damage, but it was the thing that popped into her head, and so… I had a phone call from a worried teacher who had heard about the utterance second-hand and had to inform me.

Within seconds, my mind was reeling about how this could possibly come from my daughter. Did she really mean that she’d hurt herself? Is there something beneath her shining eyes and smiling face? At seven years old, she is a very emotionally mature person, well beyond her short years. She’s empathetic and intuitive, and I know how these can be stresses on her. But she seems ok. Is she ok?

I could hardly wait to pick her up from school. The teacher assured me my daughter was totally fine — what she said was a simple sentence thrown into the wind and everyone had moved on; she wasn’t at all upset. Obviously I worried. It wasn’t long before the bell was to ring, so I waited to get her. Because my son was in the car, I had to wait till we were home, and alone together to inquire about her day.

It was hard not to just blurt it all out: OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OK? WHY DID YOU THREATEN TO HURT YOURSELF? It’s hard to maintain composure when you really don’t know if you’re little girl is crumbling inside.

I asked her how her day went, and about how she’d been chosen as a group leader in math. I asked who she had played with, what fun things she’d done, and if anything happened that she wanted to speak to me about.

“Why are you asking me that?”, she said skeptically.
“I had a call from Madame today…”
“Oh.”

We talked through what had happened, and I assured her her feelings and response were totally ok, totally normal, but of course Madame had been worried about her, so she had to let me know.

During our conversation she assured me that everything was ok, but who knows? I didn’t want to press too hard. It turned from a conversation about flippantly saying things into a discussion of the meaning of life, the unfairness of losing those we love, and how terribly frightening it is to not know when we’ll die. She often asks about what would happen if I died. Why does my little girl have to carry these big feelings?

There were a lot of tears, from both of us. We sat in my car in a parking lot, while she sobbed on my lap.

“You know you will go before me, right?”, she cried to me.
“I hope so, sweetheart. That’s how life is supposed to work. I hope I don’t have to suffer losing you. But I hope to be here for a very, very long time with you”, I choked.
“But you don’t know. What if I get cancer?”, she asked.
“I wish you didn’t have to know that kids can die. I wish it never happened, and I can’t promise anything, but you are strong and healthy and I hope we will be together a very long time”, I squeaked out between my own tears.
“If you go before me, I want to follow you, Mommy. I will go with you.”

And I broke. Into a trillion pieces, I shattered and sobbed with her, feeling her intense agony over the idea of losing me, and mine over losing her. And knowing I can’t do a fucking thing about it if that’s how our lives are going to be.

I held her in my arms all night long, and woke with a pit in my stomach and my heart in my throat. I can’t make these feelings go away, and it tears me to pieces. I just hope that she is ok. Truly ok. And I hope that when it is my time to go, that it is long before her time, and that she’s strong enough to survive me.

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24 Responses to “I’ll follow you into the dark”

  1. ymc_lisa

    Oh Alex, those are such big emotions for such a little person. Hard. Parenting is a beautiful thing, but dammit, our kids can certainly tear our hearts to shreds some days. Hugs to you and S.

    • alex durrell

      I’ve spent most of today crying, too. Sorry to spread it. 🙂

      • sarahcasm

        I almost responded with something unintentionally dirty, but thought better of it, given the post.

        You’ve got an amazing kiddo and she is so fortunate to have a mommy like you to help navigate her through these emotions.

  2. Lindsay B

    Reading this post brings tears to my eyes because I too have a little 7 year old girl who is empathetic, intuitive and so wise beyond her years. I am often worried that she isn’t okay, especially as she has struggled the last 7 months without a proper mommy to be there to guide her through this difficult life. Thank you Alex for sharing, it is a good reminder for me. xo

    • alex durrell

      Hugs, Lindsay. You’re a great mama. <3

  3. Brandy

    Oh my goodness. Such big thoughts and feelings for someone so little. *hugs*

  4. Deborah Coombs

    Oh hon. Sending love to you both. This is such a big conversation for such a wee person. I remember having a huge fear of death when I was about her age, but I don’t remember ever talking about it with my parents. I think it’s wonderful (if painful) that you are talking to S about it.

    We’ve had a recurring theme with M talking about how much he hates his life. It’s heart wrenching, but for him it passes. But it does come up again when he’s had a difficult day. I think (and his doctor thinks) that he’s ok, but I still worry and keep a careful eye.

  5. alimartell

    I got nothing but big hugs for you and your girl today, my lovely friend. xoxo

  6. Leighann

    oh my heart. What a heavy conversation that we have to have with our kids. I’m so glad that you were there for her.

  7. Pam Dillon

    Oh Alex. I know this feeling, honey. And your words give me the shivers. oxo

  8. Chantal

    This is just heartbreaking. I wish kids didn’t have to realize these things, until they turn 21. Hugs Alex………………

    • alex durrell

      I know, it’s just so much. Thanks, C. xox

  9. SLFarnam

    I am so sorry Story had a bad day. That can be a very scary place for a little person to be. She is bright. She thinks about things and understands them on a level beyond the kids around her. That is very hard.. on her.. and on her Mamma. *hugs*

    She is lucky she has you – now and forever – because you respect her and listen. That means more than anything.

    You know her. You know her strength and her determination. She will be just fine. Keep talking though. Always.

  10. Cheryl

    You are just such an amazing mom. Parenthood is so complex and everyday challenges me in ways I’ve never imagined. My son is very much like Story and while I would change so much as a tiny hair on his perfect head I worry about the worries the live in him. I worry how to parent a worrier as a huge worrier myself. It’s such an intricate dance. Your honesty with her and the amazing relationship you foster will guide her through.

    • alex durrell

      Oh, we are so similar, Cheryl. So, so, so similar. <3

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